Igor´s Brazil posts (1 of 3)

I am in Sao Paulo now. My visit here reminds me of my friend Igor, who came to Brazil last year and penned some of the funnier travel writings I have read. I thought I would share three of them with you, as they are much better than anything I could come up with:

Before I went to the game, I asked the woman at my hostel desk if the surrounding neighborhood was safe.

``Oh yes, very safe,´´ she says, ``But take very little money with you.´´

Inside this same hostel is a flyer with the following message: ```When going out, don´t let exposed your camera, and avoid leaving you bag on your back. Don´t carry too much money with you. Enjoy your day!´´

What a great couple of statements. They´re just so Brazilian.

So I feel here that, in the interests of accuracy, I must translate into English what Brazilian statements of safety mean.

1. Statement: ``There is absolutely no risk involved in this neighborhood. It´s completely safe.´´ Translation: The risk is mild. But make sure to constantly stay aware of the situation, don´t walk down any dark alleys, keep at least one fist cocked and ready to blast, and keep your camera in your other hand instead of your pocket, so that it can be used as a weapon, too.

2. Statement: ``The risk here is slight.´´ Translation: The risk is high but not outrageous. The camera in one hand is still useful, but it better have at least six megapixels, because anything below that cannot provide enough damage, just in case. In the other hand you need a fine leather whip. It can be conveniently rolled up and allows you to simultaneously maintain your distance from your attacker and inflict heavy damage. You also should wear a cup.

3. Statement: ``It´s safe during the day here, but not at night.´´ Translation: During the day, you dress and behave like a goalie. The most important part of a goalie´s uniform is the mask, so splurge on this part. In fact, ones fitted specifically to your face are best. If you cannot afford a mask, use a strainer or cast-iron skillet with holes cut out for one eye -- keep the other one protected at all times -- and your mouth. At night, you should not go out alone. You have gone from being a goalie to being a member of an entire hockey team. In fact, you probably should take a hockey team with you. The Philadelphia Flyers of the late 1970s are best. If they are not available, head to your local Canadian prison.

4. ``It´s not safe here.´´ Translation: Chances are that your hockey team has abandoned you and would rather choose prison over being here at this moment. At that point you might as well abandon your hockey uniform because it will only hinder free movement and will not provide you much protection from armor-piercing bullets, anyway. All you will need is an excellent tool belt with a few attachments, including, but not limited to: a semi-automatic pisol, a fully automatic machine gun, a harpoon, three muskets, a couple of angry badgers, 18 Ginsu knives, your ex-wife, your ex-wife´s family, your ex-wife´s new boyfriend, your ex-wife´s new boyfriend´s grenade launcher, at least one wolverine (but six are best), the most-experienced member of the Yakuza, and a thumb tack, just in case of close combat. I´m assuming that you have a will, but if you do not, please write one at this point. Your heirs will need all of your weapons.

5. ``It´s dangerous here.´´ Translation: At this point, you are in this neighborhood only under two circumstances. One, you have a nuclear weapon. Two, you have grown weary of life.

6. ``It´s very dangerous here.´´ Translation: You are dead. I am not actually having this conversation; I´m just daydreaming. It´s also possible that I am dead.